Quarter-Season Rant/Review/Revision

The Rant

I think now would be the time to let everyone know that the fantasy gods hate me. What other reason would my team be 2-2 at this point? Really? What in God's name was Wade Phillips thinking only giving the ball to Marion Barber eight times (EIGHT!) last week? When did Steve Slaton decide to be Jesus in cleats, but only when he's not starting on my team? I lead the league in bench points with 236 so far this season. Now, you're going to say I've looked up everyone else's bench points and then compared them. Well, you'd be wrong there, buddy, because my gut says the fantasy god's are screwing with my team on purpose. I strongly feel Sarah Palin has something to do with this, but I'm not quite sure yet.

I would also like to this time to send a message to Mr. T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Mr. Braylon Edwards: STOP SUCKING ON PURPOSE YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!! What the hell, man? Houshmandzadeh has had one good game (and wouldn't you know it, he was on my bench) where he scored 25 points against the Giants. Aside from that game, Edwards and Houshmandzadeh have combined for 25 points in the other 7 games they've played in. Seriously, what the hell?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I would also like to take this time to announce that Drew Brees and Jay Cutler are tied for the lead in fantasy points out of all fantasy players. Drew Brees and Jay Cutler. I think now would be a good time to note that the Chiefs could have had either of those players, but did not.

Drew Brees – Free Agent signing in 2006; 6-year, $60 million

Jay Cutler – Draft by Broncos with 11^th overall pick after trading their 15^th and 68^th overall pick to St. Louis. STL got Tye Hill and Claude Wroten with those picks. An equivalent trade with the Rams would have prevented the Chiefs from drafting Tamba Hali and one Brodie Croyle. Ingle Martin was taken in the fifth round of that draft by the way. I would trade Brodie Croyle and Tamba Hali for Jay Cutler RIGHT NOW if I could. But we can't. Son of a bitch.

I think now would be a bad time to mention that Andrew owns both Brees and Cutler.

Anyway, fantasy has not been kind to me this season. I can't wait until Andrew goes in a recession the likes our economy is in. Also, what is the deal with all these ties??? STOP IT!!!

The Review

Through the first four weeks of the season, I think there are two teams that we can push off the cliff: The JQ's and Marc's (small) Bulger (or is that Trent Green's?).

JQ was hit by the injury of Tom Brady (rendering Randy Moss useless and unmotivated), thinking Eli Manning was a good fantasy option, buying into the Brandon Jacobs hype, drafting Steven Jackson, and having eight players on his roster being ranked 15^th or worse (that would be half his roster). The good news is that it appears he has an excellent keeper prospect in Aaron Rodgers and a good shot going the entire season with as many wins as the Chiefs.

MB just sucks. First of all, Ryan Grant equals REALLY overrated. Second, he has one running back ranked in the top 20 (one). Third, he has 11 players ranked 20^th or worse at their positions on his roster. At least he has Chris Johnson as a keeper prospect. Additionally, it is completely possible he goes the entire season without winning a matchup (I write that knowing he is going to beat me when I face him; It will also be his only win).

Players with Fast Starts Who Will Slow Down Over the Next Four Weeks

PBC – Frank Gore, Brandon Marshall, Larry Fitzgerald

Frank Gore has rushed against three terrible defenses in Arizona, Detroit and New Orleans. Over the next four weeks, Gore will face far more stiff competition in New England (coming off a BYE), Philly, Giants, and Seattle (held Gore to 61 yards in week two). Gore has a BYE in week nine.

You would think, at some point, defenses would figure out Brandon Marshall is the only guy Cutler throws the ball too. Marshall has Tampa Bay, Jacksonville and at New England before a BYE in week eight.

Larry Fitzgerald is about to have to have another new quarterback (again) and will have Buffalo, Dallas, a BYE week and Carolina the next four weeks.

Just LT – Michael Turner, Kurt Warner, Anquan Boldin

Turner has 89 fantasy points in four weeks with 80 of them coming against Detroit and KC. Against decent to good defenses (TB and CAR) he has 9 fantasy points. The next four weeks he has Green Bay, Chicago, a BYE and Philly. Weeks nine through eleven will be his next big point games if he is still alive by then.

Warner is on the verge of losing his job for the next few weeks. He'll get it back though, don't worry.

Boldin (see: Fitgerald, Larry).

The Revision

Here is my updated power rankings:

1. PBC
   
2. ZOU
   
3. Inoculators
   
4. Wannabees
   
5. Smurfs
   
6. Just LT
   
7. JQ's
   
8. Marc's Bulger