10) Budwiser – Fetch
Because something had to be number ten. This one wasn’t too bad though.
9) Cash 4 Gold
This commercial would be rated higher if the company in question, Cash4Gold.com, was not a scam.
8) NBC – LMAO
Out of all the annoying network plugs that one has to endure every Super Bowl, I think this one was the best I’ve ever seen.
7) Bud Light – Drinkability 1
This commercial is number one because it completely sums up the economic crisis. And because I want to work for that company.
6) Audi – Chase
If I was not James Bond, I’d want to be that guy. Also points for the Tommy Boy reference (see: sign on movie theater).
5) Bud Light – Drinkability 2
This was one of the better drinkability commercials. However, since this particular commercial franchise has been used before, it suffered on the creativity scale.
4) Bud Light – Sweedish
I like Connan.
3) Doritos Crystal Ball
A great commercial and got added bonus points for making me think about the Office.
2) ETrade – Golden Pipes
This commercial represents the “Golf” ETrade commercial that aired before and after the Super Bowl. I couldn’t find a link to it so I went with the not quite as good but still good Golden Pipes commercial.
1) Teleflora
An absolutely fantastic commercial.
Worst Commercial(s)
There are two catagories for Worst Commercial: Local and National.
For those who were unlucky enough to be in the KC area to watch the Super Bowl, you got the pleasure of watching an NBC Action News commercial that relived, in detail, the Len Elliot game. The catch was about accuracy, which, apparently, Gary Lezak has. Sadly for him, I’ll never know because I refuse to watch his forecast ever again. EVER!
The Undesputed National Number One Super Bowl Commercial: NBC Heroes Football – Because anything that ends with John Elway being a hero sucks.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Andrew Wins... Bastard.
So Andrew had a party last night to celebrate his inexplicable back-to-back championship. I was not invited.
However, I was able to obtain a video of Andrew's party. Andrew appeared to let out his true colors on stage. I always knew Andrew was a little ... umm ... off.
Congrats Andrew, you gay son of a bitch.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
When Frogs Fly, The Chiefs Will Win the Superbowl
For the last few days I’ve been trying to sum up my current feelings about the Kansas City Chiefs and had a lot of difficulty.
In January, the Chiefs have managed to reel one of the top, young management minds in the game – if not all of sports – and fire one of the worst coaches in franchise history.*
*The Chiefs have had nine head coaches and one interim head coach in franchise history including the Texans years. Below is how they stack up:
Schottenheimer (10 seasons): 101-58-1, .634
Stram (15 seasons): 124-76-10, .614
Vermeil (5 seasons): 44-36, .550
Cunningham (2 seasons): 16-16, .500
Mackovic (4 seasons): 30-34, .469
Levy (5 seasons): 31-42, .425
Wiggin (2.5 seasons): 11.24, .314
Edwards (3 seasons): 15-33, .313
Ganz (2 seasons): 8-22-1, .274
Bettis (interim HC in ‘77): 1-6, .143
You can give all the arguments you want about how he had to rebuild and that he inherited some kind of crazy mess from Vermeil and what not. That may be true, but Schottenheimer inherited a mess too. Stram built a team from the ground up and then managed to have a string of 10-straight winning seasons. Levy was a .500 coach after his first season with the Chiefs. Mackovic even won 10 games in his final season. Edwards’ teams got progressively worse. He swung and missed on Brodie Croyle; his defenses, his supposed strength, got worse every year; he turned LJ into a run-down, woman-beating low life, and then managed to be the first Chiefs head coach to have a two-win 16 game season and the first to only win two games and be employed for the full season. Outstanding work I must say.
However, it has become clear to me that my fandom is about to take a radical change. Since Scott Pioli has been hired there has been this new “professional” attitude in which all peoples who work at Arrowhead operate as if they have a brain. This is nice for two reasons: It at least gives the impression that the Chiefs know what they are doing and it makes Chris Mortensen look like a baboon.*
*Calling someone a “baboon” is an insult used far too infrequently.
But there is a hard reality to dealing with a franchise that operates close to the vest: There is nothing substantive to talk about. Normally information is free-flowing from Arrowhead, thus providing real events and facts in which to analyze and breakdown. But things are different now. We are forced to actually wait for the decision to occur before we can say anything. This provides this weird interim period in which rumors fly and people go crazy.
This period of time can be fun, but only for a while. Then it gets old. REALLY old. I’d like to compare it to a conversation I heard a five-year-old Autistic kid and one of his peers have during snack time this week at work. It went something like this:
A-kid: I like the red Spiderman.
Dumb kid*: I like the black Spiderman (This is a reference to the villain “Venom” in the Spiderman “graphic novels.” I’ve learned a lot about Spiderman recently…).
A-kid: I like the red Spiderman because he eats food like this. [He then proceeds to shove food in his mouth and shake his head back and forth while licking his fingers – a very complicated maneuver for the child.]
Dumb kid: I like the black Spiderman because he eats… he eats frogs.
A-kid: [Gives Dumb Kid a look of utter confusion.**]
Dumb kid: [Does not recognize A-kid’s dumbfounded look and elaborates.] I like the black Spiderman because he can fly.
A-kid: No. [A-kid is now disgusted by Dumb Kid’s lack of black Spiderman knowledge.] Black Spiderman can’t fly.
Dumb kid: Yes he can. He flies like a frog.
A-kid: [Scoffs at this notion with a condescending laugh.] Frogs can’t fly.
Dumb kid: Yes they can!
A-kid: No they can’t. Only dragons can fly.
*I’m not kidding about how stupid this kid is. For the sake of this Pozstricks I will call him “Calvin”. Calvin is a Title One kid. This means, in short, that there is nothing cognitively wrong with him (his brain is healthy), but there is an underlying situation (poverty, single-parent home, foster child, lived outside the country, etc.) that has delayed his development. Calvin is a misdiagnosed Title-kid. He’s an idiot, if you’re allowed to say that about a five-year-old. Calvin reminds me a lot of the fat, slow, stupid henchmen in movies whose only purpose is to be superhero fodder and slow him down a little bit to give the villain a chance to runaway or set up some kind of trap. He looks exactly like that – only he’s a five-year-old. I fully expect to see him in movies 25 years from now.
ANYWAY, everyday when Calvin arrives at school we go over to his cubby to put his coat and backpack away. While we are there, we stare at his nametag and go letter-by-letter how to spell his name. Generally, I point to the “C” and he will say “T”. I’ll point to the “A” and he will say “Q”. I’ll point to the “L” and he’ll say “S”. This goes on until we get to the “N” in which he says, “Seven.” So, if you’re keeping score at home, one should spell “Calvin” as such: T-Q-S-P-K-7. He does all of this truly believing he is correctly spelling his name. Mind you, we’ve done this exercise everyday since the middle of August and he has been seeing a therapist once a week all school year to specifically work on language skills such as recognizing his name. Ugh. Oh well, at least we know his problem isn’t his brain…
**One of the fantastic stereotypes about autistic kids is that they have limited facial expressions. And, like all stereotypes, this is true. Normally, this is something that I would hate because my whole communication pattern is predicated on non-verbal feedback. I NEED non-verbals or else I'll have a meltdown and runaway - it's true, ask Andrew. ANYWAY, this isn't a problem for me with autistic preschoolers because they think I'm cool anyway for being 16-feet tall (to them). That and half of them don't know how to talk yet. That also helps. The point I'm getting at here is that, even in their limited facial expressions, they are fantastically well-tailored for lighting up the "unintentional comedy odmeter" for various social situations. For instance, the A-kid in the story above's second (he has three) facial expression is one that is interchangeable for "you're an idiot" and "I don't understand" moments. However, the facial expression leans towards the "you're an idiot" side when it initially comes across his face. This is great. For instance, you can tell him his shirt is blue and he'll flash his second face and you'll instantly feel retarded. It's fantastic. It's even more fantastic when one of the middle-aged female teachers looks at him and says, "Don't I look younger today?" and he flashes the second face. It's beautiful. A-kids don't lie and it's wonderful. Except for when it's about you... then it sucks.
And there you have it – the Chiefs offseason so far.
One reporter – we’ll call him Mris Chortensen – makes some crazy claim like, “Mike Shanahan is the next Chiefs head coach.” And then this is reputed by another reporter who retorts with a half-truth, half-speculative comment: “That’s not true! Mike Shanahan is not the next Chiefs head coach… I think.”
So while the rest of us fans are sitting at bars and standing by the figurative water cooler debating the merits of whether or not certain species of dragons can fly, the Chiefs – more specifically Scott Pioli – is roaming the halls of Arrowhead hoarding information and actually following a plan.* And you know what? I’m okay with that. I’m alright debating what constitutes flying in relation to certain types of frogs or whether rumored head coach candidate Todd Haley is capable of leading the Chiefs or if Chris Mortensen is the worst reporter in the history of mankind if I know that somewhere inside Arrowhead Stadium, Scott Pioli is building a championship team. I can live with that.
*I think.
But what I do know for certain is that the quantity of my informed Chiefs opinions are going to decrease.
I also know jack shit about dragons.
In January, the Chiefs have managed to reel one of the top, young management minds in the game – if not all of sports – and fire one of the worst coaches in franchise history.*
*The Chiefs have had nine head coaches and one interim head coach in franchise history including the Texans years. Below is how they stack up:
Schottenheimer (10 seasons): 101-58-1, .634
Stram (15 seasons): 124-76-10, .614
Vermeil (5 seasons): 44-36, .550
Cunningham (2 seasons): 16-16, .500
Mackovic (4 seasons): 30-34, .469
Levy (5 seasons): 31-42, .425
Wiggin (2.5 seasons): 11.24, .314
Edwards (3 seasons): 15-33, .313
Ganz (2 seasons): 8-22-1, .274
Bettis (interim HC in ‘77): 1-6, .143
You can give all the arguments you want about how he had to rebuild and that he inherited some kind of crazy mess from Vermeil and what not. That may be true, but Schottenheimer inherited a mess too. Stram built a team from the ground up and then managed to have a string of 10-straight winning seasons. Levy was a .500 coach after his first season with the Chiefs. Mackovic even won 10 games in his final season. Edwards’ teams got progressively worse. He swung and missed on Brodie Croyle; his defenses, his supposed strength, got worse every year; he turned LJ into a run-down, woman-beating low life, and then managed to be the first Chiefs head coach to have a two-win 16 game season and the first to only win two games and be employed for the full season. Outstanding work I must say.
However, it has become clear to me that my fandom is about to take a radical change. Since Scott Pioli has been hired there has been this new “professional” attitude in which all peoples who work at Arrowhead operate as if they have a brain. This is nice for two reasons: It at least gives the impression that the Chiefs know what they are doing and it makes Chris Mortensen look like a baboon.*
*Calling someone a “baboon” is an insult used far too infrequently.
But there is a hard reality to dealing with a franchise that operates close to the vest: There is nothing substantive to talk about. Normally information is free-flowing from Arrowhead, thus providing real events and facts in which to analyze and breakdown. But things are different now. We are forced to actually wait for the decision to occur before we can say anything. This provides this weird interim period in which rumors fly and people go crazy.
This period of time can be fun, but only for a while. Then it gets old. REALLY old. I’d like to compare it to a conversation I heard a five-year-old Autistic kid and one of his peers have during snack time this week at work. It went something like this:
A-kid: I like the red Spiderman.
Dumb kid*: I like the black Spiderman (This is a reference to the villain “Venom” in the Spiderman “graphic novels.” I’ve learned a lot about Spiderman recently…).
A-kid: I like the red Spiderman because he eats food like this. [He then proceeds to shove food in his mouth and shake his head back and forth while licking his fingers – a very complicated maneuver for the child.]
Dumb kid: I like the black Spiderman because he eats… he eats frogs.
A-kid: [Gives Dumb Kid a look of utter confusion.**]
Dumb kid: [Does not recognize A-kid’s dumbfounded look and elaborates.] I like the black Spiderman because he can fly.
A-kid: No. [A-kid is now disgusted by Dumb Kid’s lack of black Spiderman knowledge.] Black Spiderman can’t fly.
Dumb kid: Yes he can. He flies like a frog.
A-kid: [Scoffs at this notion with a condescending laugh.] Frogs can’t fly.
Dumb kid: Yes they can!
A-kid: No they can’t. Only dragons can fly.
*I’m not kidding about how stupid this kid is. For the sake of this Pozstricks I will call him “Calvin”. Calvin is a Title One kid. This means, in short, that there is nothing cognitively wrong with him (his brain is healthy), but there is an underlying situation (poverty, single-parent home, foster child, lived outside the country, etc.) that has delayed his development. Calvin is a misdiagnosed Title-kid. He’s an idiot, if you’re allowed to say that about a five-year-old. Calvin reminds me a lot of the fat, slow, stupid henchmen in movies whose only purpose is to be superhero fodder and slow him down a little bit to give the villain a chance to runaway or set up some kind of trap. He looks exactly like that – only he’s a five-year-old. I fully expect to see him in movies 25 years from now.
ANYWAY, everyday when Calvin arrives at school we go over to his cubby to put his coat and backpack away. While we are there, we stare at his nametag and go letter-by-letter how to spell his name. Generally, I point to the “C” and he will say “T”. I’ll point to the “A” and he will say “Q”. I’ll point to the “L” and he’ll say “S”. This goes on until we get to the “N” in which he says, “Seven.” So, if you’re keeping score at home, one should spell “Calvin” as such: T-Q-S-P-K-7. He does all of this truly believing he is correctly spelling his name. Mind you, we’ve done this exercise everyday since the middle of August and he has been seeing a therapist once a week all school year to specifically work on language skills such as recognizing his name. Ugh. Oh well, at least we know his problem isn’t his brain…
**One of the fantastic stereotypes about autistic kids is that they have limited facial expressions. And, like all stereotypes, this is true. Normally, this is something that I would hate because my whole communication pattern is predicated on non-verbal feedback. I NEED non-verbals or else I'll have a meltdown and runaway - it's true, ask Andrew. ANYWAY, this isn't a problem for me with autistic preschoolers because they think I'm cool anyway for being 16-feet tall (to them). That and half of them don't know how to talk yet. That also helps. The point I'm getting at here is that, even in their limited facial expressions, they are fantastically well-tailored for lighting up the "unintentional comedy odmeter" for various social situations. For instance, the A-kid in the story above's second (he has three) facial expression is one that is interchangeable for "you're an idiot" and "I don't understand" moments. However, the facial expression leans towards the "you're an idiot" side when it initially comes across his face. This is great. For instance, you can tell him his shirt is blue and he'll flash his second face and you'll instantly feel retarded. It's fantastic. It's even more fantastic when one of the middle-aged female teachers looks at him and says, "Don't I look younger today?" and he flashes the second face. It's beautiful. A-kids don't lie and it's wonderful. Except for when it's about you... then it sucks.
And there you have it – the Chiefs offseason so far.
One reporter – we’ll call him Mris Chortensen – makes some crazy claim like, “Mike Shanahan is the next Chiefs head coach.” And then this is reputed by another reporter who retorts with a half-truth, half-speculative comment: “That’s not true! Mike Shanahan is not the next Chiefs head coach… I think.”
So while the rest of us fans are sitting at bars and standing by the figurative water cooler debating the merits of whether or not certain species of dragons can fly, the Chiefs – more specifically Scott Pioli – is roaming the halls of Arrowhead hoarding information and actually following a plan.* And you know what? I’m okay with that. I’m alright debating what constitutes flying in relation to certain types of frogs or whether rumored head coach candidate Todd Haley is capable of leading the Chiefs or if Chris Mortensen is the worst reporter in the history of mankind if I know that somewhere inside Arrowhead Stadium, Scott Pioli is building a championship team. I can live with that.
*I think.
But what I do know for certain is that the quantity of my informed Chiefs opinions are going to decrease.
I also know jack shit about dragons.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Bad Things Come In Sevens: A League Trade Review
Over the course of the entire fantasy football season, there was precisely seven (7!) trades made. That’s it. Very lame.
Anyway, I’m here to break them all down, in retrospect and in order of occurrence, so we can all see how Joel managed to make half of the trades in the league… and screw them up.
TRADE ONE
Weseloh GETS
Joseph Addai
Thomas Jones
Marques Colston
Schilb GETS
Chris Johnson
Donald Driver
Ryan Grant
Jamal Lewis
Thoughts:
I think Joel actually came away on top in this one. Johnson was a consistent performer as a rookie and is an excellent keeper prospect as a 12th round pick (undrafted). Worse case scenario, Johnson is an excellent flex option for next year. Grant struggled in the first half of the season, but redeemed himself a bit at the end of the year.
Joseph Addai and Marques Colston were never fully healthy all season. This hurt Jeff for much of the middle of the season. A healthy Addai and Colston and Jeff would have been tough to beat.
TRADE TWO
Weseloh GETS
Reggie Wayne
Larry Johnson
Allen GETS
Willis McGahee
Thomas Jones
Randy Moss
Thoughts:
Total crapshoot of a trade. Just… ugh. I can’t even analyze this. Next trade…
TRADE THREE
Allen GETS
Eddie Royal
C. Wessley GETS
Steven Jackson
Thoughts:
Ouch. This is not a good deal for Tony. He gave up on his biggest “boom” fantasy guy for a, at best, fourth option keeper. If you are keeping Eddie Royal at the end of this season, you’re not in good shape for the long haul. A steal for Chris.
TRADE FOUR
Weseloh GETS
LaDainian Tomlinson
C. Wessley GETS
Julius Jones
Marques Colston
Thoughts:
This was a gutsy trade by Chris, but he had nothing to lose at that point in the season. I do think that Chris pulled the trigger a little too late on LDT, otherwise he would have gotten a better haul than Colston and Jones. But I liked the idea. Weseloh, with exception to the final week of the season, never got “LDT” production for LDT. So giving up on a keepable guy in Colston (although round three is high) for a guy who can’t be kept and never gave you the punch you’re looking for is a bit of a disappointment. But I don’t blame him for trading for him either. Ultimately, I think this trade is a push.
TRADE FIVE
Weseloh GETS
Steve Smith
Donovan McNabb
LenDale White
Johnson GETS
Reggie Wayne
Matt Forte
Thoughts:
Erik essentially traded what was bench fodder for him for and excellent keeper prospect. McNabb and was his backup quarterback and wasting away on the bench. White was a guy who was either going to get 20 points or nothing at all and Smith was on a team that was running the ball far too well to be throwing it as often as Erik liked. So Erik traded one top level receiver for another and a couple of bench guys for an excellent keeper prospect in Matt Forte (8th round) who also helped earn the regular season championship. Erik really hit the trade out of the park and was the difference between him being the top seed and Jason being the second seed.
Jeff didn’t necessarily bomb on the trade, but he is developing a disturbing trend in trading great keeper guys (Chris Johnson and Matt Forte this season, Adrian Peterson last season).
TRADE SIX
Weseloh GETS
Chris Johnson
Ryan Grant
Brett Favre
Weseloh GETS
Donovan McNabb
LenDale White
Larry Johnson
Lance Moore
Thoughts:
Secretly, I think Joel thought he was getting Lance BASS in this traded, not Lance MOORE. Either way, Weseloh redeemed himself and got Johnson back, who should be an excellent keeper for him next year (I think I’ve said that three times already). Ryan Grant was a good back at the end of the season and Favre was in the playoff mix until the final week of the season.
Joel ended up with a solid Donovan McNabb and excellent postseason keeper. The same could be said about LenDale White. LJ and Lance Moore? No clue what getting they got him. There is always a “Lance Moore” in a Joel trade. Always.
TRADE SEVEN
Nielsen GETS
Wes Welker
Schilb GETS
T.J. Houshmandzadeh
Tyler Thigpen
Thoughts:
Aaaaaaand this is where Joel looks stupid. Sorry, but anybody who trades for Tyler Thigpen is an idiot. And you were doing so well Joel…
Welker went off for back-to-back 20 point efforts while T.J. found himself inactive. Thigpen also made no sense because he had just picked up Donovan McNabb and already had Ben Roethlisberger on his roster. Are you planning on keeping Tyler Thigpen, Joel? God, I hope so…
Anyway, I’m here to break them all down, in retrospect and in order of occurrence, so we can all see how Joel managed to make half of the trades in the league… and screw them up.
TRADE ONE
Weseloh GETS
Joseph Addai
Thomas Jones
Marques Colston
Schilb GETS
Chris Johnson
Donald Driver
Ryan Grant
Jamal Lewis
Thoughts:
I think Joel actually came away on top in this one. Johnson was a consistent performer as a rookie and is an excellent keeper prospect as a 12th round pick (undrafted). Worse case scenario, Johnson is an excellent flex option for next year. Grant struggled in the first half of the season, but redeemed himself a bit at the end of the year.
Joseph Addai and Marques Colston were never fully healthy all season. This hurt Jeff for much of the middle of the season. A healthy Addai and Colston and Jeff would have been tough to beat.
TRADE TWO
Weseloh GETS
Reggie Wayne
Larry Johnson
Allen GETS
Willis McGahee
Thomas Jones
Randy Moss
Thoughts:
Total crapshoot of a trade. Just… ugh. I can’t even analyze this. Next trade…
TRADE THREE
Allen GETS
Eddie Royal
C. Wessley GETS
Steven Jackson
Thoughts:
Ouch. This is not a good deal for Tony. He gave up on his biggest “boom” fantasy guy for a, at best, fourth option keeper. If you are keeping Eddie Royal at the end of this season, you’re not in good shape for the long haul. A steal for Chris.
TRADE FOUR
Weseloh GETS
LaDainian Tomlinson
C. Wessley GETS
Julius Jones
Marques Colston
Thoughts:
This was a gutsy trade by Chris, but he had nothing to lose at that point in the season. I do think that Chris pulled the trigger a little too late on LDT, otherwise he would have gotten a better haul than Colston and Jones. But I liked the idea. Weseloh, with exception to the final week of the season, never got “LDT” production for LDT. So giving up on a keepable guy in Colston (although round three is high) for a guy who can’t be kept and never gave you the punch you’re looking for is a bit of a disappointment. But I don’t blame him for trading for him either. Ultimately, I think this trade is a push.
TRADE FIVE
Weseloh GETS
Steve Smith
Donovan McNabb
LenDale White
Johnson GETS
Reggie Wayne
Matt Forte
Thoughts:
Erik essentially traded what was bench fodder for him for and excellent keeper prospect. McNabb and was his backup quarterback and wasting away on the bench. White was a guy who was either going to get 20 points or nothing at all and Smith was on a team that was running the ball far too well to be throwing it as often as Erik liked. So Erik traded one top level receiver for another and a couple of bench guys for an excellent keeper prospect in Matt Forte (8th round) who also helped earn the regular season championship. Erik really hit the trade out of the park and was the difference between him being the top seed and Jason being the second seed.
Jeff didn’t necessarily bomb on the trade, but he is developing a disturbing trend in trading great keeper guys (Chris Johnson and Matt Forte this season, Adrian Peterson last season).
TRADE SIX
Weseloh GETS
Chris Johnson
Ryan Grant
Brett Favre
Weseloh GETS
Donovan McNabb
LenDale White
Larry Johnson
Lance Moore
Thoughts:
Secretly, I think Joel thought he was getting Lance BASS in this traded, not Lance MOORE. Either way, Weseloh redeemed himself and got Johnson back, who should be an excellent keeper for him next year (I think I’ve said that three times already). Ryan Grant was a good back at the end of the season and Favre was in the playoff mix until the final week of the season.
Joel ended up with a solid Donovan McNabb and excellent postseason keeper. The same could be said about LenDale White. LJ and Lance Moore? No clue what getting they got him. There is always a “Lance Moore” in a Joel trade. Always.
TRADE SEVEN
Nielsen GETS
Wes Welker
Schilb GETS
T.J. Houshmandzadeh
Tyler Thigpen
Thoughts:
Aaaaaaand this is where Joel looks stupid. Sorry, but anybody who trades for Tyler Thigpen is an idiot. And you were doing so well Joel…
Welker went off for back-to-back 20 point efforts while T.J. found himself inactive. Thigpen also made no sense because he had just picked up Donovan McNabb and already had Ben Roethlisberger on his roster. Are you planning on keeping Tyler Thigpen, Joel? God, I hope so…
Monday, January 26, 2009
RE: Larry Fitzgerald
Dear Larry Fitzgerald,
I’m sorry I pissed you off. No, really, I’m very, very, very sorry. I’ll never do it again.*
*No guarantees.
But you have to admit, you can’t blame me for doubting you. You’re not the only great receiver on that team. And the two quarterbacks you have throwing to you – Kurt Warner and Matt Leinart – are, well, Kurt Warner and Matt Leinart. How was I supposed to know Warner was going to play a full 16 game season for the first time since 2001? How was I supposed to know that Warner was going to magically learn how to “hold onto the football” for a full season? How was I supposed to know that the Cardinals were going to purposely abandon the running game for the entire season? And, most importantly, how was I supposed to know the Cardinals were going to bench their mega-million dollar franchise quarterback for a 37-year-old who everybody thought was washed up?
Now, I never believed you were a terrible wide receiver. I’ve always known you were talented. I remember watching you play for Pittsburgh in college and thinking you were going to make a very good pro. I would have taken a look at you for this year’s fantasy season if I didn’t feel like the combination of Braylon Edwards, Greg Jennings, Calvin Johnson and T.J. Houshmandzadeh was going to be good enough.*
*Which it was. Hey, 50/50 ain’t bad. And how was I supposed to know Mr. Championship and Edwards were going to bust? Nobody thought they were going to suck. Adding Wes Welker mid-season helped ease that pain. Sorry, back to my apology letter.
As for these playoffs, I must say you’ve been ridiculously good. Though, some of it is somewhat tainted because the rest of the NFC has not caught onto the fact that they should double and triple team you when Anquan Boldin is not on the field, but, still, you’ve made some insane plays this postseason. My favorite would have to be the first touchdown catch you made against the Eagles in the NFC title game – the one where you ran over about seven people on your way to the endzone. That was insane. The backflip on the flea-flicker touchdown was pretty nice too.
Please take the following YouTube clip of some of your greater moments as a tribute for my failure to see Kurt Warner turning into a better quarterback than Peyton Manning, Tom Brady and Joe Montana combine. I just didn’t see it coming.
Here’s to you, Larry -
Ben
I’m sorry I pissed you off. No, really, I’m very, very, very sorry. I’ll never do it again.*
*No guarantees.
But you have to admit, you can’t blame me for doubting you. You’re not the only great receiver on that team. And the two quarterbacks you have throwing to you – Kurt Warner and Matt Leinart – are, well, Kurt Warner and Matt Leinart. How was I supposed to know Warner was going to play a full 16 game season for the first time since 2001? How was I supposed to know that Warner was going to magically learn how to “hold onto the football” for a full season? How was I supposed to know that the Cardinals were going to purposely abandon the running game for the entire season? And, most importantly, how was I supposed to know the Cardinals were going to bench their mega-million dollar franchise quarterback for a 37-year-old who everybody thought was washed up?
Now, I never believed you were a terrible wide receiver. I’ve always known you were talented. I remember watching you play for Pittsburgh in college and thinking you were going to make a very good pro. I would have taken a look at you for this year’s fantasy season if I didn’t feel like the combination of Braylon Edwards, Greg Jennings, Calvin Johnson and T.J. Houshmandzadeh was going to be good enough.*
*Which it was. Hey, 50/50 ain’t bad. And how was I supposed to know Mr. Championship and Edwards were going to bust? Nobody thought they were going to suck. Adding Wes Welker mid-season helped ease that pain. Sorry, back to my apology letter.
As for these playoffs, I must say you’ve been ridiculously good. Though, some of it is somewhat tainted because the rest of the NFC has not caught onto the fact that they should double and triple team you when Anquan Boldin is not on the field, but, still, you’ve made some insane plays this postseason. My favorite would have to be the first touchdown catch you made against the Eagles in the NFC title game – the one where you ran over about seven people on your way to the endzone. That was insane. The backflip on the flea-flicker touchdown was pretty nice too.
Please take the following YouTube clip of some of your greater moments as a tribute for my failure to see Kurt Warner turning into a better quarterback than Peyton Manning, Tom Brady and Joe Montana combine. I just didn’t see it coming.
Here’s to you, Larry -
Ben
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Eagles/Vikings: 4th Quarter
14:52
The Vikings are not good. The only reason why they are in this game is because, well, the Eagles are not very good either. As long as the Eagles win (so Peterson will be eliminated) I’ll be okay.
12:47
Here is something that I have learned: Blogging for a game with two bad teams is really hard.
The Vikings have no passing game, a terrible secondary, average (at best) linebackers and a horrible coach.
The Eagles have no true running game, a bad offensive line, no receivers, a mediocre defense and bad coaching.
Really, what we have here is two bad coaches with two bad teams in a bad conference. Yuck.
9:10
Jared Allen almost picked off a pass.
Brandon Albert > Jared Allen (because Albert would have made that catch…)
So, I just realized that Adrian Peterson’s touchdown run gets a touchdown bonus because it was 40+ yards. Damnit.
Adrian Peterson = 21 Fantasy Points
8:26
Are the Minnesota Vikings getting a new football stadium? Are they remodeling the Metrodome? I just realized the Twins are getting a new stadium. I wish the Royals were getting a new stadium. I wish these two teams didn’t suck (as Bernard Berrian just jumped offsides).
7:07
Aaaaaaaaand Sheldon Brown just dropped the easiest interception of his life. Jackson is terrible. Brown, apparently, is worse.
6:36
Brian Westbrook just took a screen pass 71 yards for a touchdown. I don’t even think he was touched, and it wasn’t because of good blocking necessarily. Westbrook only needed one block to get him in space and it was over from there. Wow. 23-14 Eagles.
6:24
Jackson almost threw another TAINT. Geez, he is bad.
6:19
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand Jackson just threw into triple coverage. Fortunately for him Ed Reed was not back there.
5:12
HA! Celek just got jacked up! Bastard…
3:33
Jackson. Is. Awful.
2:54
Tevaris Jackson is Tyler Thigpen.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand Philly just recovered a fumble on a bad snap. Game. Over. Mercifully.
Yesterday’s games were much better. The Ravens game wasn’t close and neither was this one, even though the Vikings had a lead at one point and was within a field goal for most of the game.
2:33
So, I’ve been misspelling Jackson’s name wrong all game. It is actually T-A-R-V-A-R-I-S Jackson. Oops.
I was really kind of hoping someone would draft Jackson in our playoff draft – it didn’t happen. Although, I almost drafted him for Jeff.
Jeff – you better show up to the baseball draft. Really, you better show up.
2:22
I’m pretty sure I just saw Jason Whitlock on the sidelines.
1:55
David Akers: Fantasy hero.
So the Eagles will play the Giants next week in what will be the matchup of the most unpredictable bipolar quarterbacks in the league: Donovan McNabb and Eli Manning.
1:50
I understand Childress is looking for a big play, but putting Adrian Peterson in to return the kickoff seems a little stupid to me. You’re not going to win this game, why risk blowing out Peterson’s ACL on what will prove to be a meaningless kick return?
Again, I understand why he did it; I just think it’s stupid.
:00
Game is mercifully over. Eagles win. Next week’s games should be much better.
The Vikings are not good. The only reason why they are in this game is because, well, the Eagles are not very good either. As long as the Eagles win (so Peterson will be eliminated) I’ll be okay.
12:47
Here is something that I have learned: Blogging for a game with two bad teams is really hard.
The Vikings have no passing game, a terrible secondary, average (at best) linebackers and a horrible coach.
The Eagles have no true running game, a bad offensive line, no receivers, a mediocre defense and bad coaching.
Really, what we have here is two bad coaches with two bad teams in a bad conference. Yuck.
9:10
Jared Allen almost picked off a pass.
Brandon Albert > Jared Allen (because Albert would have made that catch…)
So, I just realized that Adrian Peterson’s touchdown run gets a touchdown bonus because it was 40+ yards. Damnit.
Adrian Peterson = 21 Fantasy Points
8:26
Are the Minnesota Vikings getting a new football stadium? Are they remodeling the Metrodome? I just realized the Twins are getting a new stadium. I wish the Royals were getting a new stadium. I wish these two teams didn’t suck (as Bernard Berrian just jumped offsides).
7:07
Aaaaaaaaand Sheldon Brown just dropped the easiest interception of his life. Jackson is terrible. Brown, apparently, is worse.
6:36
Brian Westbrook just took a screen pass 71 yards for a touchdown. I don’t even think he was touched, and it wasn’t because of good blocking necessarily. Westbrook only needed one block to get him in space and it was over from there. Wow. 23-14 Eagles.
6:24
Jackson almost threw another TAINT. Geez, he is bad.
6:19
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand Jackson just threw into triple coverage. Fortunately for him Ed Reed was not back there.
5:12
HA! Celek just got jacked up! Bastard…
3:33
Jackson. Is. Awful.
2:54
Tevaris Jackson is Tyler Thigpen.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand Philly just recovered a fumble on a bad snap. Game. Over. Mercifully.
Yesterday’s games were much better. The Ravens game wasn’t close and neither was this one, even though the Vikings had a lead at one point and was within a field goal for most of the game.
2:33
So, I’ve been misspelling Jackson’s name wrong all game. It is actually T-A-R-V-A-R-I-S Jackson. Oops.
I was really kind of hoping someone would draft Jackson in our playoff draft – it didn’t happen. Although, I almost drafted him for Jeff.
Jeff – you better show up to the baseball draft. Really, you better show up.
2:22
I’m pretty sure I just saw Jason Whitlock on the sidelines.
1:55
David Akers: Fantasy hero.
So the Eagles will play the Giants next week in what will be the matchup of the most unpredictable bipolar quarterbacks in the league: Donovan McNabb and Eli Manning.
1:50
I understand Childress is looking for a big play, but putting Adrian Peterson in to return the kickoff seems a little stupid to me. You’re not going to win this game, why risk blowing out Peterson’s ACL on what will prove to be a meaningless kick return?
Again, I understand why he did it; I just think it’s stupid.
:00
Game is mercifully over. Eagles win. Next week’s games should be much better.
Eagles/Vikings: 3rd Quarter
14:20
I’ve got a correction to make. I believe I assigned DeAngelo Williams to Erik in a previous post. Williams belongs to Jason. Oops. This makes this game’s outcome a little more tolerable.
I still home Minnesota loses.
12:52
Since when did Kleinsasser become the greatest Vikings target on the team? Sheesh.
11:40
In honor of the BCS graphic that just popped up: Go Ohio State.
10:38
Jackson fumbles because he held onto the ball for half an hour. He’s fortunate to recover his own fumble.
After a punt and penalty, the Vikings are backed up inside their own 10. This is the part where Brian Westbrook breaks one.
Also, I’d like to thank CBS and FOX for have far more diversity in commercials than NBC. It’s been slightly more tolerable. Slightly.
10:03
I’m pretty sure McNabb was just the benefactor of a Madden glitch and did not get sacked in the endzone on that last play. I swear I saw someone nail McNabb, but nothing happened.
9:08
McNabb completes a “big pass” to a no name receiver for a first down on third and 11. Big play. And while we’re at it, McNabb is a great thrower of the football.
7:50
It’s another Tom Selleck sighting!!! This time it’s a 19-yard reception.
I’ve now learned his name is Brent Celek. This is far less entertaining. I now hate Brent. Screw Brent and his great “catcher of the football” skills.
6:02
You know how people make a lot about how quarterback complete passes to a wide array of receivers? Why is that such a big complement to the quarterback? Shouldn’t it be a bigger slam on a defense’s secondary that another team can complete passes to their fifth, sixth, seventh even eighth targets? Why does this make the quarterback special? I don’t understand.
3:50
Good news: The Eagles eat a whole bunch of time on the drive. Bad news: The Eagles did not score. The Good news: Tavaris Jackson is still the Vikings quarterback. Bad news: Adrian Peterson is still the running back for the Vikings.
1:54
Dude, the Eagles have a guy on their team named “Gocong.” How awesome is that? New favorite player – screw that Celek guy. It appears Gocong is a great “tackler of the football player.” He is also a excellent “follower of the football” and “watcher of the quarterbacks eyes.”
1:21
Brad Childress is a joke of a coach. And I thought Herm was bad…
:44
Jared Allen forces a fumble that is eventually recovered by a Viking. So glad we don’t have that guy. Brandon Albert > Jared Allen
:40
Via Pro Football Talk
“Meanwhile, a league source tells us that former Chiefs G.M. Carl Peterson attended Sunday’s playoff game, and that Peterson was “loving up to Ross” before the opening kickoff.
Earlier on Sunday, Adam Schefter of NFL Network reported that multiple league insiders are convinced that Peterson will join the Dolphins after Ross assumes control of the team.
And, if Peterson is going to be there, it really doesn’t make sense for Parcells to stick around.
Unless Peterson is going to be picking up the Tuna’s dry cleaning. Or giving Parcells lessons in how to spend 20 years with the same team and never go to the Super Bowl.”
So there you go. The Dolphins are idiots.
I’ve got a correction to make. I believe I assigned DeAngelo Williams to Erik in a previous post. Williams belongs to Jason. Oops. This makes this game’s outcome a little more tolerable.
I still home Minnesota loses.
12:52
Since when did Kleinsasser become the greatest Vikings target on the team? Sheesh.
11:40
In honor of the BCS graphic that just popped up: Go Ohio State.
10:38
Jackson fumbles because he held onto the ball for half an hour. He’s fortunate to recover his own fumble.
After a punt and penalty, the Vikings are backed up inside their own 10. This is the part where Brian Westbrook breaks one.
Also, I’d like to thank CBS and FOX for have far more diversity in commercials than NBC. It’s been slightly more tolerable. Slightly.
10:03
I’m pretty sure McNabb was just the benefactor of a Madden glitch and did not get sacked in the endzone on that last play. I swear I saw someone nail McNabb, but nothing happened.
9:08
McNabb completes a “big pass” to a no name receiver for a first down on third and 11. Big play. And while we’re at it, McNabb is a great thrower of the football.
7:50
It’s another Tom Selleck sighting!!! This time it’s a 19-yard reception.
I’ve now learned his name is Brent Celek. This is far less entertaining. I now hate Brent. Screw Brent and his great “catcher of the football” skills.
6:02
You know how people make a lot about how quarterback complete passes to a wide array of receivers? Why is that such a big complement to the quarterback? Shouldn’t it be a bigger slam on a defense’s secondary that another team can complete passes to their fifth, sixth, seventh even eighth targets? Why does this make the quarterback special? I don’t understand.
3:50
Good news: The Eagles eat a whole bunch of time on the drive. Bad news: The Eagles did not score. The Good news: Tavaris Jackson is still the Vikings quarterback. Bad news: Adrian Peterson is still the running back for the Vikings.
1:54
Dude, the Eagles have a guy on their team named “Gocong.” How awesome is that? New favorite player – screw that Celek guy. It appears Gocong is a great “tackler of the football player.” He is also a excellent “follower of the football” and “watcher of the quarterbacks eyes.”
1:21
Brad Childress is a joke of a coach. And I thought Herm was bad…
:44
Jared Allen forces a fumble that is eventually recovered by a Viking. So glad we don’t have that guy. Brandon Albert > Jared Allen
:40
Via Pro Football Talk
“Meanwhile, a league source tells us that former Chiefs G.M. Carl Peterson attended Sunday’s playoff game, and that Peterson was “loving up to Ross” before the opening kickoff.
Earlier on Sunday, Adam Schefter of NFL Network reported that multiple league insiders are convinced that Peterson will join the Dolphins after Ross assumes control of the team.
And, if Peterson is going to be there, it really doesn’t make sense for Parcells to stick around.
Unless Peterson is going to be picking up the Tuna’s dry cleaning. Or giving Parcells lessons in how to spend 20 years with the same team and never go to the Super Bowl.”
So there you go. The Dolphins are idiots.
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