As the Chiefs Turn: Episode 1

[It is 736 a.m. Wednesday morning and the Chiefs return to practice for the first time since their 34-0 loss to Carolina three days earlier. Carl Peterson is outside the facility in a leather jacket and dark sunglasses, sitting and smoking a cigar while watching the sun continue its daily ascent. This peaceful morning is disturbed by a black Escalade sending deep bass vibrations through the air, shaking the ground. From the Escalade steps Larry Johnson who promptly tips his driver, flashes the Diamond Cutter sign and walks towards Peterson.]

Johnson: Sup, King Carl. [Johnson bends down to one knee to kiss Peterson's ring then rises.]

Peterson: Beautiful morning isn't it?

Johnson: Sumthin' like that. See the game Sunday?

Peterson: No. There was no need.

Johnson: Permission to speak freely, sir.

Peterson: Granted.

Johnson: I still can't believe you're paying me $42 million to rush for two yards on seven carries.

[They each erupt in laughter, engaging in a hybrid handshake-hug.]

Johnson: But, no, really, I can't believe you did that.

Peterson: Well, I owed you for the first three years of production. Besides, we couldn't just sell Tony Gonzalez jerseys. We needed diversity.

Johnson: Damn straight.

Peterson: Anything on your mind?

Johnson: Well, we need to talk about the Plasma TV in my locker. It is starting to – [Tony Gonzalez has arrived to the facility and is walking towards Johnson and Peterson.] I've got to go. Later, King. [Peterson nods.]

Peterson: Tony!

Gonzalez: What the fuck is going on?!?! You said you'd fix this shit.

Peterson: It's a process, Tony, you know that. I thought you'd be happy today after setting the all-time receiving yards by a tight end record. Did you know I drafted you?

Gonzalez: I should have set that record at home, you know that. But that is besides the point. We got our asses handed to us Sunday, what are we going to do about it? We have a bye this week, there's gotta be someone we can trade for or sign to bring in here and start at quarterback for us.

Peterson: Have you forgotten that Brodie returns this week?

Gonzalez: That kid sucks! He get's hurt in every other game he starts. What are you –

Peterson: Tony, Tony, Tony. You're starting to sound like those media guys, that's not the Tony I remember. Now you and I both know that Brodie is the next Brett Favre. Everyone in my front office says so. Clark Hunt agreed with me when he called me last week from Fiji. We all know our bright future rests in his hands starting in about four or five years.

Gonzalez: But I'm not going to be around in four or five years, Carl.

Peterson: How do you know? I'll keep you around. There is no age limit to when it comes to resigning players. Think of the guys I have signed: Ty Law, Patrick Surtain, Damian MacIntosh, Adrian Jones, Sammie Knight, Trent Green, Eddie Kennison and so on and so forth. You know I will resign you for as long as I possibly can. If we didn't, we wouldn't have anyone's jersey to sell, would we?

Gonzalez: I don't know, Carl. You said we would be Super Bowl contenders by now. I've played in two playoff games in my entire career, I want to win something someday.

Peterson: Hey, Tony, winning? It's overrated. Look how long I've had my job and I haven't won anything. Look at all the money I'm making, the friends I have. Remember when I had lunch with President Bush last year? How many other teams who didn't win the Super Bowl are having President Bush come and have dinner with them? No one. Look, you still have a lot to learn, Tony. Look at what Larry is doing right now. He's hanging with Jay-Z, making rap albums, bashing the media, you know there is a lot you can learn from him. Heck, his contract is worth more than yours.

Gonzalez: …

Peterson: Go get ready for practice and think about what I just told you.

[Meanwhile, while Herm Edwards is in his office reviewing the week's game plan, Jamal Charles walks in.]

Charles: Coach?

Edwards: Huh? Hey! Hey, come on in JC, what's goin' on?

Charles: Hey, um, I know I'm a rookie and everything and I don't want to be out of line when I say this, but –

Edwards: Now, now, Jamal, think about what you're going to say before you say it. Think really hard.

Charles: Yeah, well, I have thought about it really hard and I think I should be getting more touches early in the game. I feel like I can help us win games if I got the ball earlier. I'm not sayin' Larry shouldn't be starting or anything, but I'm just sayin' that I can help the team if I got the ball a little more earlier in the game.

Edwards: Jamal, come now. You and I both know we can't do that. Larry is the heart and soul of this team.

Charles: Yeah, about that… um… nobody likes him so much. Actually, I don't think I've ever talked to him before. He just kinda stares at me when I say "Hi" and then walks off.

Edwards: Psh, Larry wouldn't do that. I know Larry and Larry isn't like that. You're just getting a little rookie hazing, that's all.

Charles: Well, that's what I thought at first. But then, the other day, I was going through my locker and there was a knife with a note taped to it and it said, "Don't fuckin' think about taking my job away, Love LJ" and he was just there staring at me.

Edwards: Nah, I know Larry and he definitely would have used a Gat if he wanted you taken out. At least that's what he did with me a couple of weeks ago… But, yeah, he's not like that. I think you're just being messed with a little – and it's okay. It's okay to be messed with a little. It makes you a better player. Look what it's done for Pat Thomas and Rudy Niswanger.

Charles: Well, right… [Charles squirms in his chair and trys to avoid direct eye contact with Larry Johnson who is now peering at him through the window of Edwards' office.] Anyway, I just wanted to see if I could get a few more touches, that's all.

Edwards: Now, Jamal, you've got a lot to learn. Being a coach in this league, being a guy who has to put stuff together, game plans, its not that easy. You see other teams, teams like who we'll be facin', they'll be thinkin', "Wow, we need to prepare for this Charles kid, he's pretty good." And you know what happens when other teams start thinking about you? [Charles shakes his head.] They stop thinking about Larry. And when they stop thinking about Larry then that means we have a chance to win some football games. And we play to win the game, right? That's what we play for, to win the game.

But, there is something I want to show you, a new package for next week. [Charles sits up a little straighter, continuing to avoid the eye contact of Johnson.] This, this right here, this is what is going to turn our season around. It's the wishbone and you're going to be a part of it.

Charles: Oh, so, you're going to have me and LJ in the backfield at the same time then, that's cool.

Edwards: Oh no, no, no, no, no. [Edwards lets out a hardy laugh.] Rookies… No, we want you to play right tackle. I saw that block you threw on that one pass play a few weeks ago –

Charles: The one where Brodie ended up getting hurt?

Edwards: Yeah, that one. That was a great block. Anyway, we want you to play left tackle –

Charles: You mean right tackle?

Edwards: Don't interrupt me son. As I was sayin', you're going to play right tackle, but what we are going to do is we are going to line you up so that you'd be considered an eligible receiver.

Charles: So, I'm really playing tight end then?

Edwards: Yeah, right, point guard. So, what we are going to do is have LJ and Will Smith in the backfield and –

Charles: Will?

Edwards: Yeah, he's our primary back in this set. We're trying to mix things up a little here, Jamal.

Charles: You know, we ran this one play at Texas where we had a two-tight end set in the I-formation and we just gave the ball to me and I just ran it up the middle. That normally worked pretty well.

Edwards: [Edwards gives him a confused look.] So, you'll be the third baseman and LJ and Smith will be in the backfield. But here's the kicker now, the thing that no one is going to expect: Derrick Johnson will be the quarterback. Huh! What do ya think of that?! Genius!

Charles: [Charles looks at Edwards blankly.] Who do I talk to about being traded?

[On the other end of the complex, Bernard Pollard and Jarred Page are working on tackling drills with Gunther Cunningham.]

Cunningham: No, no! Fucking ass fuckers, you use your balls not you brain when you fuckin' tackle somebody! Do it right you goddamn mother fuckers or I'll fuck your skulls until they fucking bleed football jiz!

Page and Pollard: What?

Cunningham: Brainless turd whipes.

Page: You know, I wouldn't be that bad at tackling if some of your linebackers would do the job for me before backs ever get to the secondary. I mean DeAngelo Williams is about six-times my size. How the hell am I supposed tackle that guy on every other play?

Cunningham: With your balls, bitch, with your balls! Now fucking hit that mother fuckin' dummy you motherless son of a bitch!

[Page runs through the tackling dummy using proper technique. Pollard follows by trying to tackle the dummy with just his legs. He fails.]

Cunningham: What the fuck are you doing, Pollard?!

Pollard: Using my balls.

Cunningham: Now THAT'S how you fuck over a fucking tackling dummy mother fuckers! Hey, Williams, Thomas, Johnson, Practice Squad Guy, get over here! [All the linebackers, even the unnamed ones start jogging towards Cunningham.] No, no, Harris you fucking go back to fucking yourself. You fucking suck. Just the good linebackers, here, now! [All the linebackers except Harris now surround Cunningham. Cunningham takes a deep breath and begins to calmly speak to his troops.] I coached Derrick fucking Thomas. I coached Neil fucking Smith. I am responsible for Dale Carter's addiction to crack. But none of them, and I mean none of them, had the balls of steel Bernard fucking Pollard has. [Everyone looks to Pollard in shock. Pollard stares back at his teammates in kind.] Now, Pollard, show them how a man tackles a fucking football player. [Pollard proceeds to tackle the tackling dummy with his legs. Quiet snickers from those who bothered to pay attention ensue.] That's… [Cunningham begins to tear up.] That's how you fuck up a dummy. Learn from that men, learn from that.

[A few hours later Kevin Keitzman begins his segment with Jack Harry.]

Harry: The Chiefs suck. Suck suck suck suck suck suck suck ticket prices suck suck suck suck Carl Peterson suck suck suck suck quarterback suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck the draft suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck sucks Herm Edwards suck suck suck suck suck suck suck 2 yards rushing suck suck suck suck suck suck $42 million suck suck suck suck salary cap suck suck suck suck suck no Super Bowl appearances suck suck suck suck suck suck 20 years suck suck suck suck suck suck I'm an old grumpy man suck suck suck suck suck suck Clark Hunt.

Keitzman: I couldn't agree more. I just… wow… Do you want to make love later?

Harry: Yes, I'd like that, Kevin.

Danny Klinksdale: Can I join in? Make it a threesome?

Harry and Keitzman: No.

[Soren Petro turns on a mike and begins talking.]

Petro: Sorry to break in on the love fest, but I think some people are missing the point. Yes, Peterson and Edwards share a lot of the blame for the turd they laid Sunday, but think about this for a minute. The Chiefs are going to be about $45 million under the salary cap this offseason and have a bunch of high draft picks. If the Chiefs go out there and have another draft like they did last offseason in April, find a quarterback and allow the natural progression of some of their younger players, the Chiefs have a shot at having a decent season in 2009.

Keitzman: But did you see Sunday's game? Carl Peterson has been here for 20 years and I hate him.

Petro: I understand and I don't always agree with what Peterson and Edwards do on a week to week basis, but the point is that the Chiefs have a chance this offseason to go out and draft a quarterback, sign some good free agents and have a solid roster for next season.

Keitzman: No playoff wins in 15 years!

Petro: [Brief silence.] I understand, but you have to look at the bigger picture here. Herb Taylor played a hell of a game against a perennial All-Pro D-end in Julius Peppers, whose name was only called once and that was because Damon Huard didn't have the ability to take one freaking step up in the pocket and deliver the ball because he sucks. Taylor and Albert look like they can anchor the ends for a long time in Kansas City. If the Chiefs can just go out there and find themselves a center and guard, maybe Richardson can be that guard, draft a quarterback then the Chiefs could be a decent team next season and be well on their way to a playoff-type roster.

Harry: But Carl Peterson.

Keitzman: Yeah, Carl Peterson. I hate that guy.

Petro: [Extended silence.] But the Chiefs can easily go out there and fill some major holes this offseason. There are a ton of guys out there who can fit into what the Chiefs are trying to do. And it looks like the draft is shaping up in a way that favors what the Chiefs need.

Keitzman: Carl. Peterson. Parking. Prices. 20. Years.

Petro: [A more extended silence.] Fine. The Chiefs suck. Suck suck suck suck suck suck suck ticket prices suck suck suck suck Carl Peterson suck suck suck suck quarterback suck suck suck suck…

Keitzman: Ah! [Harry and Keitzman let out a hardy chuckle.] I knew you would see the light buddy.

Petro: …

Keitzman: Thanks for coming on, man.

Petro: Right, anytime.

Keitzman: Ah, Petro is a good guy. So, Jack, about the love making thing...

Quarter-Season Rant/Review/Revision

The Rant

I think now would be the time to let everyone know that the fantasy gods hate me. What other reason would my team be 2-2 at this point? Really? What in God's name was Wade Phillips thinking only giving the ball to Marion Barber eight times (EIGHT!) last week? When did Steve Slaton decide to be Jesus in cleats, but only when he's not starting on my team? I lead the league in bench points with 236 so far this season. Now, you're going to say I've looked up everyone else's bench points and then compared them. Well, you'd be wrong there, buddy, because my gut says the fantasy god's are screwing with my team on purpose. I strongly feel Sarah Palin has something to do with this, but I'm not quite sure yet.

I would also like to this time to send a message to Mr. T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Mr. Braylon Edwards: STOP SUCKING ON PURPOSE YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!! What the hell, man? Houshmandzadeh has had one good game (and wouldn't you know it, he was on my bench) where he scored 25 points against the Giants. Aside from that game, Edwards and Houshmandzadeh have combined for 25 points in the other 7 games they've played in. Seriously, what the hell?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I would also like to take this time to announce that Drew Brees and Jay Cutler are tied for the lead in fantasy points out of all fantasy players. Drew Brees and Jay Cutler. I think now would be a good time to note that the Chiefs could have had either of those players, but did not.

Drew Brees – Free Agent signing in 2006; 6-year, $60 million

Jay Cutler – Draft by Broncos with 11^th overall pick after trading their 15^th and 68^th overall pick to St. Louis. STL got Tye Hill and Claude Wroten with those picks. An equivalent trade with the Rams would have prevented the Chiefs from drafting Tamba Hali and one Brodie Croyle. Ingle Martin was taken in the fifth round of that draft by the way. I would trade Brodie Croyle and Tamba Hali for Jay Cutler RIGHT NOW if I could. But we can't. Son of a bitch.

I think now would be a bad time to mention that Andrew owns both Brees and Cutler.

Anyway, fantasy has not been kind to me this season. I can't wait until Andrew goes in a recession the likes our economy is in. Also, what is the deal with all these ties??? STOP IT!!!

The Review

Through the first four weeks of the season, I think there are two teams that we can push off the cliff: The JQ's and Marc's (small) Bulger (or is that Trent Green's?).

JQ was hit by the injury of Tom Brady (rendering Randy Moss useless and unmotivated), thinking Eli Manning was a good fantasy option, buying into the Brandon Jacobs hype, drafting Steven Jackson, and having eight players on his roster being ranked 15^th or worse (that would be half his roster). The good news is that it appears he has an excellent keeper prospect in Aaron Rodgers and a good shot going the entire season with as many wins as the Chiefs.

MB just sucks. First of all, Ryan Grant equals REALLY overrated. Second, he has one running back ranked in the top 20 (one). Third, he has 11 players ranked 20^th or worse at their positions on his roster. At least he has Chris Johnson as a keeper prospect. Additionally, it is completely possible he goes the entire season without winning a matchup (I write that knowing he is going to beat me when I face him; It will also be his only win).

Players with Fast Starts Who Will Slow Down Over the Next Four Weeks

PBC – Frank Gore, Brandon Marshall, Larry Fitzgerald

Frank Gore has rushed against three terrible defenses in Arizona, Detroit and New Orleans. Over the next four weeks, Gore will face far more stiff competition in New England (coming off a BYE), Philly, Giants, and Seattle (held Gore to 61 yards in week two). Gore has a BYE in week nine.

You would think, at some point, defenses would figure out Brandon Marshall is the only guy Cutler throws the ball too. Marshall has Tampa Bay, Jacksonville and at New England before a BYE in week eight.

Larry Fitzgerald is about to have to have another new quarterback (again) and will have Buffalo, Dallas, a BYE week and Carolina the next four weeks.

Just LT – Michael Turner, Kurt Warner, Anquan Boldin

Turner has 89 fantasy points in four weeks with 80 of them coming against Detroit and KC. Against decent to good defenses (TB and CAR) he has 9 fantasy points. The next four weeks he has Green Bay, Chicago, a BYE and Philly. Weeks nine through eleven will be his next big point games if he is still alive by then.

Warner is on the verge of losing his job for the next few weeks. He'll get it back though, don't worry.

Boldin (see: Fitgerald, Larry).

The Revision

Here is my updated power rankings:

1. PBC
   
2. ZOU
   
3. Inoculators
   
4. Wannabees
   
5. Smurfs
   
6. Just LT
   
7. JQ's
   
8. Marc's Bulger
   

 

Erik: "Give Croyle a chance and some options"

This is my response to Ben's previous blog post about how the Chiefs need to be "fixed."

The Chiefs do need help at quarterback, there is no doubt about it. But the Chiefs need help around the quarterback too. No quarterback is going to excel with a sub-par offensive line and no deep threat. So, here is what I would do if I got to sit in Carl Peterson’s chair this off-season.

#1 – Don’t give up on Brodie Croyle. Yeah, I know noboby will probably agree with this but there's a not a better option out there. He has talent and is getting better, but he’s definitely injury-prone. With that in mind, the Chiefs need to trade for or take a quarterback in the draft to be the back-up. This shouldn’t be a Damon Huard back-up. It needs to be a guy who can eventually take over if Croyle doesn’t improve with more help around him. It’s not like there is a sure-fire stud out there in the draft. Stafford might develop into the number one pick by the time the draft rolls around, but he’s not there yet.

Furthermore, the free agency class doesn't have the answer at quarterback like Ben pointed out. As for Alex Smith, the 49'ers won't cut him unless there is something seriously wrong with him mentally or physically. They have too much money invested in Smith to give him away ... especially when they are not tearing it up with O'sullivan.

As far as trade options go, Leinart and Anderson aren't going to cut it. Leinart won't be moved by the Cardinals. They know Warner isn't the long-term solution. Leinart will start sometime this year and will start next year. Anderson had one good year ... he has to show a lot more than that for me to want to deal for him. He is struggling this year and he would basically be stepping into an offense with the same weapons he has now in Cleveland.

#2 – Get some help for Croyle. Sign Jordan Gross to solidify the right tackle spot. Gross and Albert should help to form a fine offensive line in front of Croyle. I don't mind Ben's idea of adding a receiver like Houshmandzadeh or Williams (I'd prefer Williams), but why would a receiver like that want to come to Kansas City? We don't throw the ball a lot and we don't a quarterback that would lure a free agent wideout who will have plenty of options.

#3 – Help the offense in the draft. The defense is young and has a lot of potential. They need another linebacker, some help at safety and a pass-rush specialist, but the offense needs the injection of youth that the defense has recently received. Don’t change the plan and try to fix the offense with a bunch of free agents.

Here’s my thoughts on what the Chiefs could do in the draft

First Round – Michael Crabtree – WR – Texas Tech – Bowe is a good, big receiver but he doesn’t stretch the field and he drops too many footballs. On the other side of the field the Chiefs’ have Devard Darling who was easily tracked down on what should have been a game-tying touchdown against New England this year. Crabtree isn’t a 4.3 guy, but he has more speed than Bowe and Darling and will only continue to get better as he is still new to the position of wide receiver (high school QB).

Other options: Matt Stafford, Rey Maualuga, James Lauranitis, Michael Oher and Jeremy Maclin (I'm trying not be a homer by not picking him)

Second Round – Duke Robinson – OG – Oklahoma – Robinson is a large fellow at 6’4" 330 and has very quick feet. Robinson and Albert would give the Chiefs’ offensive-line two cornerstones to build around.

Other options: Taylor Mays, William Moore, Nic Harris, Percy Harvin, George Selvie

Third Round – Chase Daniel – QB – Missouri – Yeah, here's the homer pick ... He’s not big enough and doesn’t have Matt Stafford arm strength, but all the guy does is win. He will live in the film room and has NFL-caliber arm strength. I like Daniel to back-up Croyle and maybe take his spot down the line. Reminds many of another too small QB from Texas, Drew Brees.

Other options: Brian Orakpo, Phil Loadholt, Kevin Ellison, Hunter Cantwell

In the fourth through seventh rounds, the Chiefs need to add depth to their linebacking core, find help at safety if they don’t draft it in the first three rounds and find a dependable kicker (Woffert, Swank).

This general idea would give the Chiefs an offense of:

LT - Albert

LG - Waters

C - Niswanger

RG - Jones

RT - Gross

QB - Croyle, Daniel

RB - LJ, Charles

FB - Cox

WR - Bowe

WR - Crabtree

TE - Gonzalez

Third WR - Franklin

Solving the Quarterback Crisis or What I Would Do If I Were the GM of the Kansas City Chiefs

Step One: Admit you have a problem.

Shocking revelation: Tyler Thigpen (he started last week...!!!!) and Brodie Croyle (he's hurt... again) are not going to be the future at the starting quarterback position for a myriad of reasons. We will avoid going into details, but I guarantee you Croyle and Thigpen are not the answers.

Step Two: Locate the Solutions.

There are three ways the Chiefs can acquire a QB this offseason: Free Agency, Trade or the Draft. Here are my "best availables" in those three catagories:

Free Agency: None. Unless, of course, you feel Charlie Batch, Matt Cassel, Kyle Boller or Rex Grossman are the answers to the Chiefs long-term quarterback problem. Although, Grossman did go to a Superbowl... **thick sarcasm**

BUT, there is another possibility. It is reported that Alex Smith could be released at the end of this season.

Alex Smith
6'4", 220
Former #1 Overall Draft Pick

Thoughts: Smith has the physical tools, he is just in a terrible situation. To imphasise this situation, here are three facts: Smith has had to learn four new offensive systems in his first four years in the NFL; It is widely speculated that Smith was placed on the IR for the 2008 season not because his shoulder is not healthy, but because his coach, Mike Nalen, doesn't really care for him; Brandon Lloyd is the best receiver he has ever had on his team (Lloyd doesn't even start for the Bears... think about that). Smith, in my opinion, could be a stud given the opportunity. He's smart, works hard and won't turn 25 until May of 2009. On the surface, the injury issue is concerning, but looking deeper at the subject has made me less concerned. Smith played with THREE torn ligaments in his throwing shoulder before the 49ers shut him down (Croyle won't even play with a "sprained" shoulder). His injury this year, a broken bone in his shoulder, may not be as severe as the reports and actions from the 49ers suggest, but more of a way to create a semi-peaceful separation. If he is not released, I would certainly put him on my list of guys to trade for.

Trade: Derek Anderson or Matt Leinart. I think both of these guys could be had for a reasonable price. I'll break them down individually.

Derek Anderson
6'4", 225
2007 Pro Bowl QB

Thoughts: He's had a tough start to the season and it doesn't help that his teammates are not living up to their expectations. Braylon Edwards is not healthy. Kellen Winslow is spending more time blocking and less time getting open. Jamal Lewis is averaging an LJ-esque 3.5 yards-per-carry and has yet to score a touchdown. So it is not all Derek Anderson. But there is clearly pressure to start the golden boy making millions over Anderson right now. I think Anderson is far more available than Quinn in addition to the fact that I think Quinn will not be that good anyway (but he's a hell of a lot better than Croyle or Thigpen).

I think Anderson is a perfect fit for the Chiefs. He has good size, a good arm, is decently accurate and has a ton of football left in front of him. He seems like the kind of blue collar, Rich Gannon- (minus the mobility)/Trent Green- (with more mobility) type of guy Chiefs fans would love. Granted, in his first full year last season he threw 19 picks which isn't good. But, he is only 25 and Trent Green threw 24 picks in his first full year as a starter. I think he could be had for a conditional draft pick in 2010 or a third rounder in 2009.

Matt Leinart
6'5", 225
Heisman Trophy Winner, 10th Overall Draft Choice

Thoughts: The talent is there, we've seen it. The problem is the Arizona Cardinals refuse to develop Leinart. That is the only explanation to me. Leinart has never started a full NFL season and is frequently pulled for Kurt "freaking" Warner mid-game. People have questioned his desire to play the game, but how much of it is his head or the Cardinals messing with his head? And think about who has coached this guy the last two years - Dennis Green. Think about that really hard. Of course he's screwed up. And have I mentioned he plays for a cursed franchise? I think the Cardinals have as much, if not more, to do with the lack of success Leinart has had. He could be had for a 3rd rounder in '09 and a conditional pick in 2010 in my mind.

Draft: Mark Sanchez, Tim Tebow, Matt Stafford, Sam Bradford, Hunter Cantwell. It should be noted that Sanchez, Tebow and Bradford all still have college eligibility remaining.

I would draft one of these guys in the first or second round even if I traded or signed Alex Smith, Derek Anderson or Matt Leinart and have them sit for two or three years before considering them as a starter (baring injury).

Step Three: Pray like hell someone pans out.

Finding a quarterback isn't exactly a exact science, but you can't win without one (see: 2008 Chiefs; 2008 Patriots; 2008 Rams). Luck is needed, which is why I would try to find two quarterbacks this offseason with at least one being from the draft.

Other Things I Would Do If I Were GM Besides Replacing Herm Edwards with Bill Cower (Subject to change):

Sign T.J. Houshmandzadeh - I bet that guy can't wait to get out of Cincinnati. He's a vertical threat who has the same kind of toughness Dwayne Bowe only with a little more speed. (Plan B - Roy Williams; Plan C - Lee Evans)

Sign Marc Colombo - I don't think the Cowboys have the salary cap space to resign him. Colombo is a large man (6'8", 320) who could dominate the right tackle position for the Chiefs for the next 5 to 7 years. (Plan B - Jordan Gross; Plan C - Mark Tauscher)

Draft James Laurinaitis, ILB, Ohio State, in the first round - We need to solve our freaking middle linebacker problem. We absolutely SUCK there. It is the second weakest position on the team after quarterback (hey, what are the odds the two weakest positions on the team are the two most important positions on the offensive and defensive sides of the ball?).

Draft Mark Sanchez, QB, USC, in the second round - I think Sanchez will come out early and will fall to the first pick of the second round. Why? Because I want him and I took Laurinaitis in the first round.

Draft Alex Mack, C, California, in the third round - Mack is the "best center prospect in a long time" according to one really generic draft site. With that said, I've watched Cal play this season and didn't notice him at all, which I suppose isn't a bad thing.

Draft Marko Mitchell, WR, Nevada, in the fourth round - Mitchell is 6'4", 200-pounds and runs a 4.45-40. So how will he fall to the fourth round you ask? Because the potential 2009 wide receiver class is loaded. How about this for a top four: Percy Harvin, Michael Crabtree, Jeremy Maclin and Darrius Heyward-Bay. A 40 time of 4.40 makes Crabtree the slowest receiver of the bunch. That's not a misprint, I did say slowest. Anyway, Mitchell had a 42-yard TD reception in Nevada's 1,000,000,000 - 17 loss to Mizzou two weeks ago.

Draft Maurice Crumm, Jr., OLB, Notre Dame, in the fifth round - Crumm makes just makes tackles, which is more than I can say for the rest of the Chiefs current linebacking core. And yes, I have watched him play and I'm not proud of it. Watching Notre Dame games is brutal, but it is fun watching Charlie Wise blow out his knee.

Draft Sam Swank, K, Wake Forrest, in the sixth round - He doesn't miss field goals (novel idea for a kicker) and is 9-of-12 from beyond 50-yards in his college career.

Draft Steve Rehring, OG, Ohio State, in the seventh round - 330-pounds is a lot of weight and that's how much he carries. I don't know the depths of his talents (I've only seen him play once and I must admit that I had no idea who he was until I started looking up guards a few hours ago). I do have one rule though (not true): You can't go wrong with Big 10 offensive lineman in the seventh round.

Move Barry Richardson to right guard and Rudy Niswanger to left guard - 6'6" is a little tall for a guard but I think he could be really effective in that position. He has size (320-pounds) and is decently mobile. The combination of him and Colombo on the right side would make a nice, and large, tandem. As for Rudy, he's not good enough to play center. That's really the only way I can put it. He has the intelligence to play the position, but he is not athletic and tough enough to start there (and yes, I know I'm saying this all on the results of three terrible games). I think Niswanger would be a nice left guard because of his intelligence and because you can give more help to your guard than you can to a center in one-on-one situations (I could be wrong on that, but I feel confident this is true).

Trade or release Brian Waters - He's done.

Demote Bernard Pollard to Special Teams and only play him at safety in situations where Darren McFadden is running for a 50-yard gain and we need someone with 4.17 speed to track him down and piss off Arkansas fans - I DISLIKE BERNARD POLLARD AS A SAFETY IMMENSELY!!! That is all.

Pre-Season Post of the Century

Oh blog. How long it has been since I have remembered to write on you. Do you miss being used by me to plug every reason why Chris is the luckiest son of a bitch alive? Do miss my passionate pleas that Chris Benson for T.J. Houshmandzadeh is the worst trade in the history of mankind because Benson’s value is SOOOO much greater? Do you miss my “luck factor” reasoning? Do you miss my conclusion that Philip Rivers is the greatest quarterback in the history of great San Diego quarterbacks from 2007? Or that Kige Ramsey is a genius? Or my obsession with getting Herm Edwards fired? My hatred for Anquan Boldin? Yeah… I didn’t either.

Before I get on with this, I want to pose a question to you: Would you pay $30 (more specifically, $29.95) to watch Mizzou destroy Southeast Missouri State (who barely beat freaking SBU in overtime… at home) on Pay Per View? Would you really do that Erik? Really???

Mr. Joel of Schilb

Joel was kind enough to not show up to the draft. How gay of him. And being the bastard he is, he used the “Brian Winckler Method” of not showing up to the draft while having the number one overall pick and coming away with a solid team. I. Hate. You. Really, I do. You’re terrible fantasy baseball team suck.

Anyway, Joseph Addai, Marques Colston and Jerricho Cotchery to go along with Ben Roethlisberger. Add in a potential top five(ish) defense in Baltimore, Brett Favre and a solid tight end in Chris Cooley (and Ben Watson for that matter) add Schilb comes away with a team that can compete for a playoff spot. You’re welcome, Joel.

What Joel doesn’t know is that, under “Brian Winckler Method” stipulations, he will be trading Ben Roethlisberger and Joseph Addai for Jon Kitna and Kip Wells.

Prediction: Joel slips into the playoffs with the “four” seed.

Mr. Jason of Willey

Still reeling from the realization that Ben was right and both Erik Bedard and Aaron Harrang were going to suck this season, Willey managed to pull himself together and not show up for the draft. Thanks, Jason. Fortunately, for his sake at least, I was able to pry a list of people he wanted in the top 10 rounds. I stupidly followed that list.

Thankfully, Jason’s team still sucks. While Terrell Owens is the more likely wide receiver between Randy Moss and himself to repeat last seasons success, and Brian Westbrook will be the best running back in fantasy this season (mark my words Chris, because I know you already are), Jason simply lacks any depth. Clinton Portis is a liability in the backfield and Derek Anderson is setup for a sophomore slump (so that he can be released and signed by the Chiefs this offseason). Torry Holt is nine billion years old (I think) and Jason has almost no one of value to bring off the bench.

The good news is that Ted Ginn Jr. is poised to have a break out season and he has Jon Kitna. The Kitna thing is important because that means he will be acquiring Ben Roethlisberger and Joseph Addai in week nine.

Prediction: Will miss playoffs and lose championship game of the consolation bracket.

Mr. Tony of Allen

Hey, he actually showed up for the draft! Unfortunately for him, he may have been better off not showing up. Brandon Jacobs in the fourth round? Steven Jackson as the third overall? Kevin Boss? Outside of Reggie Wayne, you have no one to play the other WR spot. And by week five, when Larry Johnson and Seven Jackson are dead and Brandon Jacobs is declared a bust (because he, along with Ryan Grant, are the two most overrated backs in fantasy this season), you will have no running backs or a flex player.

Yes, I know predicting failure based on non-existing injuries is semi-faulty reasoning, but when you consider who is blocking for both Johnson and Jackson, their injuries from last season and their prominent rolls in their individual offensive schemes and I think you’ll see the writing is pretty much on the wall for these guys. I see each of their backups having more success this season.

The good news is I think Matt Hasselbeck and Hines Ward will each have excellent seasons. I also have wet dreams about the Minnesota defense (I need better wet dreams). Additionally, Aaron Rogers could potentially be a huge keeper steal (sixteenth round) when looking back at the draft at the end of the season.

Prediction: Will miss the playoffs and lose in the first round of the consolation bracket.

Mr. Erik of Johnson

Erik showed up to the draft – that was nice of him. I still think he is poopyhead, though.

Erik’s draft is littered with guys who are either coming off of surgery, a serious injury or have an extensive injury history. I understand that everyone gets hurt in football – minus Will Shields and Brett Favre – but there are clearly guys who seem to get hurt ALL the time. Guys like Steve Smith, Kellen Winslow, Donovan McNabb, Adrian Peterson and Vernon Davis. There is also this: Peyton Manning, Willie Parker, Laurence Maroney and Marvin Harrison are all coming off a season ending injury or surgery; Reggie Bush, Steve Smith and Plaxico Burress all battled injuries last season that either caused them to miss games or negatively impact their performance in multiple games. This means 12 of Erik’s 16 draft picks have some kind of serious injury red flag. Now, it is completely possible that all twelve of these guys will be healthy all season and put up big numbers, but I would bet that this does not happen. I would venture to guess that at least six of these guys will miss a week to injury and at least three will miss four or more games. Erik will have more of a burden than most owners managing injuries this season.

Of course, the good news for Erik is that his team probably has more upside from proven players than any other team – and Erik is the kind of upside. The health of Willie Parker and Adrian Peterson will dictate how well this season goes for Erik. Erik will also be watching Rashard Mendenhall (Parker’s backup) and Chester Taylor (Peterson’s backup) closely as they will they will be a two-headed monster Erik will have to deal with every week.

Prediction: Erik wins his division and earns the “two” seed in the playoffs.

Mr. Jeff of Weseloh

Jeff did not show up to the draft because he sucks. Yet, somehow, I think he ended up with a playoff roster. I hate it when this happens.

Jeff has a solid receiving core in Randy Moss, Andre Johnson, Donald Driver and Patrick Crayton. While Moss isn’t going to score 23 touchdowns, I don’t think 15 would be so bad. Andre Johnson is poised for a big season and Donald Driver is an excellent flex option. Patrick Crayton is a second half sleeper.

His running back options are not eye-poping to me, but I think are more than capable of getting him to the playoffs. A rotation of Ryan Grant, Willis McGahee, Jamal Lewis, Matt Forte and Julius Jones should get the job done.

Weseloh’s big guy will be Tony Romo, who I think will be the “2007 Tom Brady” of 2008. Not to say he’s going to break Brady’s record or anything, but I think Romo will have more than 40 touchdown passes this season. I believe this because of the weak defenses the Cowboys will play, the receiving targets in Owens, Crayton and Jason Witten and the explosive addition of Felix Jones. I think Jones adds something they didn’t have last year in a guy who can come out of the backfield and make a play in the receiving game. His speed and agility makes him a tough guy to tackle in the open field. Also, he should be fresh because he will not have to take the “between the tackles” carries that Marion Barber will own.

Prediction: Will make the playoffs as a “three” seed.

Mr. Chris of Wessley

Chris showed up to the draft, but he really didn’t need to until round three as he kept LDT and Tom Brady. But after looking at his draft, it appears that he really wasn’t all there until round 10 when he took Jeremy Shockey. He then took another two rounds off before taking DeShawn Jackson and then promptly left the draft. Chris’ draft is littered with bad picks and overdrafts. Michael Turner has no business going in the third round and I think will prove to be a bust and was the biggest reach of the draft. Chad Ocho Cinco is going to have a down season this year, which I think will prove to be his last in Cincinnati. Chad is batting a separated shoulder, which I think will hinder his production the first four weeks or so. Also the production of Mr. Championship along with an improved running game should cut into his numbers.

I’m also not sold on Tom Brady as a dominate fantasy player this year – and by dominate, I mean be remotely as good as he was last season. Look, he can throw 30 touchdowns this season (which would be a GREAT season) and still be 20 touchdowns short of what he did last year. Brady’s foot concerns me, as does his offensive line. What saves New England as a team is their weak division, which may save Brady’s fantasy value, but I think New England is on the downswing and is in need of an injection of young talent.

With this said, I do still think Brady will throw 30+ touchdowns, which will put him in the top five in quarterbacks. Also, I talked a lot of crap about Chris’ team last pre-season and he dominated the regular season. So… yeah.

Prediction: Misses the playoffs and will win the consolation bracket.

Mr. Andrew of Wessley

Andrew was kind enough to show up to the draft. Of course, he sucked it up in the draft, but at least he showed the decency to show up.

Let’s start with the positives: Drew Brees will have a solid season, as should Brandon Marshall; Jason Witten provides good value as a 12th rounder; Jonathan Stewart is a nice potential keeper. That’s about it.

Frank Gore and Marshawn Lynch are terrible first and second round picks. When exactly was the last time a non-pass-receiving running back has had a good season when Mike Martz was an offensive coordinator? Oh, and did I mention that Mike Martz REALLY likes to throw the ball? As for Lynch, here is my line of thought: Marshawn Lynch plays for the Buffalo Bills; the Buffalo Bills cannot throw the ball to save their lives; opponents will put 8 and 9 guys in the box to force the Buffalo Bills to pass (which they won’t); the Buffalo Bills offense equals the Kansas City Chiefs offense; the Kansas City Chiefs offense sucks. Other running backs include: Edgerrin James (hehehe…), Jonathan Stweart (good choice if this was 2010 – and it’s not), Rudi Johnson (the freaking Bengals cut him), DeShaun Foster (dead man walking).

Receivers: Wombat Tango Force? Who is going to throw the ball to Larry Fitzgerald? If you answered Matt Leinart, you’re fucked. If you said Kurt Warner, you’re fucked. If you own Larry Fitzgerald, you’re double-fucked. I’m not saying Fitzgerald sucks, I’m only saying that you’re fucked. Other Receivers include: Santonio Holmes (I’d like him if the Steelers weren’t a run first offense), Roy Williams (Calvin Johnson is going to steal all his thunder), Lee Evans (when exactly has he had a good season?) and Brandon Marshall (a second tier receiver).

The massive hole at running back in addition to the lack of a top wide receiver is going to kill Andrew this season… I think.

Prediction: Misses playoffs and loses in the first round of the consolation bracket.

Mr. Ben of Nielsen

Three words: Best. Draft. Ever.

Two more words: T.J. Houshmandzadeh

One more word: Championship!!!!!!!!!111111!!!1!!1!!111/1//1/1!1!!

In all seriousness though, I feel pretty good about my team (as if you couldn’t tell). I am confident my receiver are going to dominate this season. The combination of Houshmandzadeh and Braylon Edwards with Greg Jennings at the flex should serve me well. On the bench I have a potential breakout guy in Calvin Johnson and a this year’s Wes Welker in Anthony Gonzalez.

While I don’t think Carson Palmer is going to be spectacular or win me any match-ups this year, I do feel that he will not lose me any match-ups and will be a consistent performer. Philip Rivers is a good option as a back-up, while JaMarcus Russell will be this year’s biggest sleeper.*

* I totally do not believe any of what I just said about JaMarcus Russell.

My biggest question is going to be who steps up fill in the second running back roll. Marion Barber will be a touchdown machine, and I’m not concerned about him. I also have his backup, Felix Jones, should something happen to Barber. As of now, Darren McFadden is my number two guy – but as a rookie, I really don’t know what I’m going to get in him. My other running back options include Jones, Steve Slaton and Rashard Mendenhall – all of whom are rookies. I figure one of either McFadden, Jones, Slaton and Mendenhall will be good. Hopefully whoever it is will be good enough to not be my Achilles heal.

Pre-Season Power Rankings

1. Ben
2. Erik
3. Jeff
4. Joel
5. Chris
6. Jason
7. Andrew
8. Tony

Quick Thoughts on the Chiefs

Mr. Croyle: How nice would it have been if the Chiefs had just started him at the beginning of last season? Then maybe we could have gone out and gotten that Brett Favre guy or swung a deal for Brady Quinn or something. Instead, we have to go through a full season of something we already know: At best, Croyle is a backup quarterback. For perspective, this subject only rates a 3 out of 10 on the Annoyance Scale, but it concerns me that the Chiefs didn’t even try to go out and find a guy who could legitimately fill in and be the quarterback of the future should Croyle crumble (or, more likely, get hurt) by week eight. Mr. Thigpen ain’t it and neither is Huard.

I understand the arguments that Croyle didn’t have a lot of time to throw the ball last season because of how bad the offensive line played. I also understand that LJ got hurt and the wide receiver core sucked. I get this. But here is what concerned me about him last season:
· His decision-making was terrible: It doesn’t matter who is on the field when you’re throwing into triple coverage consistently.
· He couldn’t stay healthy for half a season: Can’t play if you’re not on the field.
· He couldn’t win a job that was handed to him.
· He doesn’t create or make plays: All good quarterbacks make something of nothing. The scramble, they run, they find ways to get the ball to their playmakers. I have yet to see Croyle make a “play.” Not one.
· Accuracy = non-existent

Other than that, he’s pretty good.

Mr. Huard: There was some talk last month that the Chiefs not starting Huard is a hindrance to the Chiefs development because Croyle is just THAT bad. I think this is false, because Huard is just as bad as Croyle.

Five Headed Monster: You think the Chiefs are regretting giving that massive contract to LJ? The Chiefs have managed to find four legit running backs who could have easily carried the load this season without LJ. Heck, maybe we could have taken that money we gave LJ and signed, like, I don’t know, a free agent?

Interesting Free Agents Available or The Chiefs Have Over $30 Million in Cap Space:

First…
Derek Anderson – Anderson has a large roster bonus due to him at the end of the season. If the Browns feel like Quinn is ready, they may cut ties with Anderson.

Now…
Tommie Harris, DT
Chris Snee, G
Albert Haynesworth, DT
T.J. Houshmandzadeh, WR
Roy Williams, WR
Lee Evans, WR (Yeah, the same guy I bashed above. Fantasy and real life are different damnit!)
Keith Brooking, LB

There are other players, but these are the ones I was interested in. Julius Peppers, Marion Barber and Steven Jackson headline the class. T.O., Brandon Jacobs, Will Smith and Daunta Robinson are also in the class.

2009 Draft Watch
- My campaign for James Larinitus for our top pick begins NOW!*
- Ball State Quarterback Matt Davis looked impressive against…Navy…still he seems like an interesting 4-7 round guy.
- Jeremy Maclin is the only MU guy the Chiefs are allowed to draft. That’s it. Only one… HE’S SO FREAKING FAST!!!

Draft Results (Format still being worked on...)

Legend:	(#) - Times Kept		BOLD - Kept Player		* - Draft Pick Traded		^ - Did Not Attend Draft
2008 Draft Results
Round	Joel	Jason	Tony	Erik	Jeff	Ben	Chris	Andrew
	Schilb^	Willey^	Allen	Johnson	Weseloh^	Nielsen	Wessley	Wessley
1	Joseph Addai	Terrell Owens	Steven Jackson	Peyton Manning (1)	Randy Moss	Marion Barber	Ladanian Tomlinson (1)	Frank Gore
2	Maurice Jones-Drew	Brian Westbrook (1)	Larry Johnson	Willie Parker	Ryan Grant	Carson Palmer	Tom Brady (1)	Marshawn Lynch
3	Marques Colston	Clinton Portis (1)	Reggie Wayne (1)	Reggie Bush	Willis McGahee	T.J. Houshmandzadeh	Michael Turner	Drew Brees
4	Thomas Jones	Derek Anderson	Brandon Jacobs	Steve Smith	Jamal Lewis	Darren McFadden	Chad Johnson	Larry Fitzgerald
5	Brett Favre	Torry Holt	Matt Hasselbeck (1)	Plaxico Burress	Andre Johnson (1)	Dallas Clark	Antonio Gates	Edgerrin James
6	Jerricho Cotchery	Tony Gonzalez	Eli Manning	Kellen Winslow	Donald Driver	Calvin Johnson	Anquan Boldin	Santonio Holmes
7	Chris Cooley	San Diego D/ST	Hines Ward	Laurence Maroney	Jake Delhomme	Anthony Gonzalez	Fred Taylor	Roy Williams
8	Andre Hall	Santana Moss	Lavernaues Coles	Donovan McNabb	Matt Forte	Braylon Edwards (1)	Dwayne Bowe	Jonathan Stewart
9	Justin Fargas	Shayne Graham	Minnesota D/ST	Adrian Peterson (1)	Joey Galloway	Felix Jones	Seattle D/ST	Lee Evans
10	*	Jon Kitna	Kevin Boss	Chicago D/ST	Tony Romo (1)	JaMarcus Russell	Selvin Young/Jeremy Shocky	Jay Cutler
11	Ben Roethlisberger (1)	Kenny Watson	Nick Folk	Marvin Harrison	Patrick Crayton	Philip Rivers	Ronnie Brown	Rudi Johnson
12	Jerious Norwood	DeAngelo Williams	Chris Chambers	Kevin Smith	David Garrard	Greg Jennings (1)	Marc Bulger	Jason Witten (1)
13	Benjamin Watson	Ted Ginn Jr.	Cowboys D/ST	Roddy White	Julius Jones	Steve Slaton	DeShawn Jackson	Brandon Marshall (1)
14	Ahmad Bradshaw	Ricky Williams	Tony Scheffer	LenDale White	JT O'Sullivan	Rashard Mendenhall	Donte Stallworth	DeShaun Foster
15	Wes Welker (1)	Sidney Rice	Earnest Graham	Vernon Davis	Tennessee D/ST	Green Bay D/ST	Mason Crosby	Jacksonville D/ST
16	Neil Rackers/Baltimore D/ST	Amani Toomer	Aaron Rogers	Brady Quinn	David Akers	Stephen Gostkowski	*	Phil Dawson

Draft Results from 2007

Here are the draft results from last season. Keeping a player will cost you the round the player was drafted in. Keeper selections need to be in as soon as possible so we can set a draft date.

First Round
Frank Gore
Joseph Addai
Carson Palmer
Steven Jackson
LaDainian Tomlinson
Peyton Manning
Willie Parker
Reggie Bush
Shaun Alexander
Larry Johnson

Second Round
Travis Henry
Laurence Maroney
Drew Brees
Brian Westbrook
Steve Smith
Tom Brady
Donovan McNabb
Rudi Johnson
Maurice Jones-Drew
Willis McGahee

Third Round
Chad Johnson
Phillip Rivers
Terell Owens
Marvin Harrison
Cedric Benson
Ronnie Brown
Clinton Portis
Deuce McAllister
Reggie Wayne
Thomas Jones

Fourth Round
Larry Fitzgerald
Torry Holt
Edgerrin James
Antonio Gates
Marion Barber
Roy Williams
T.J. Houshmandzadeh
Carnell Williams
Marques Colston
Marc Bulger

Fifth Round
Donald Driver
Lavernues Coles
Randy Moss
Andre Johnson
Anquan Boldin
Tony Gonzalez
Plaxico Burress
Javon Walker
Matt Hasselbeck

Sixth Round
Kellen Winslow
Alge Crumpler
Jeremy Shockey
Vince Yound
Marshawn Lynch
Randy McCichael
Vernon Davis
Todd Heap
Ladell Betts

Seventh Round
DeShaun Foster
Muhsin Muhammad
Patriots D
Bears D
Ravens D
Hines Ward
Deion Branch
Joey Galloway
Fred Taylor Matt Leinart

Eighth Round
Broncos D
Darell Jackson
Chargers D
Eli Manning
Santana Moss
Jamal Lewis
Braylon Edwards
Adam Vinatieri
Mack Clayton
Chris Chambers

Ninth Round
Reggie Brown
Jay Culter
Julius Jones
Adrian Peterson
Terry Glenn
DeAngelo Williams
Isaac Bruce
Jerricho Cotchery
LaMont Jordan
Brandon Jackson

Tenth Round
Calvin Johnson
Warrick Dunn
Chester Taylor
Jerious Norwood
Tatum Bell
Chris Cooley
Tony Romo
Jaguars D
Bernard Berrian
Benjamin Watson

Eleventh Round
Vincent Jackson
Santonio Holmes
Dallas Clark
Ahman Green
Brett Favre
Joe Horn
Matt Jones
Ben Roethlisberger
LJ Smith
Jon Kitna

Twelfth Round
LenDale White
Donte Stallworth
Vernand Morency
Dolphins D
Mike Furrey
Reuben Droughns
Shayne Graham
Jerry Porter
Greg Jennings
Jason Witten

Thirteenth Round
Jake Delhomme
Vikings D
Michael Bennett
Chris Brown
Devery Henderson
Kevin Curtis
Nate Kaeding
Drew Bennett
Brandon Marshall
Derrick Mason

Fourteenth Round
Robbie Gould
Heath Miller
Jeff Wilkins
Eagles D
Eddie Kennison
Joe Jurevicius
Steelers D
Trent Green
Daniel Graham
Neil Rackers

Fifteenth Round
Panthers D
D.J. Hackett
Reggie Williams
Eric Johnson
Josh Brown
Cowboys D
Owen Kaniels
Wes Welker
Chiefs D
Michael Jenkins

Sixteenth Round
Michael Turner
Matt Stover
Chris Henry
Olindo Mare
Jason Elam
Brodie Croyle
James Jones
Dominic Rhodes
Stephen Gostkowski
Jason Campbell